country road, take me home to the place i belong, west virginia, mountain mama, take me home, country road...

tonight after church, the room was kind of a-flutter with activity... people, grouped up in small groups sharing life with each other... talking about the things that are going on in their lives and praying together... it's one of my favorite things about church...

tonight was different, though... i ended up sitting next to chris and everyone else was in groups... he grabbed a guitar and started playing songs from the days at central... songs that have a lot of memories tied in with them... some of my favorite songs... songs that remind me of a time when faith seemed more simple and also more complex...

obedience always seemed so easy back then... and at the same time, i think i made some things way more complicated than they needed to be... trying to put on my game face because i would think that's what everyone wanted to see...

now, for me, sometimes i think the thing people most need to see are the places where i am vulnerable... the places that make me real... not the mask... one of the songs we sang was "find me in the river" - and it always brings tears to my eyes when i sing it... "find me in the river, find me there, find me on my knees with my soul laid bare, even though you're gone and i'm cracked and dry, find me in the river... i'm waiting here."

i do feel a bit cracked and dry lately... like i'm not where i need to be... i don't put on the game face with the people i go to church with... but sometimes, i don't expose my true vulnerability... i remain quiet, thinking it's easier not to open up than to show all the junk... to admit that sometimes i hurt and feel lonely... that i mess up and make mistakes... that i'm not perfect.

then, after we sang some of those, chris got out the 12-string and started playing john denver songs... and there's something about the chorus of "take me home, country road" that gets me... no clue what it is... but it gets to me... i love it... i love the thought of going home... and the idea that seems to follow the song that he's going home to someone...

i know these thoughts are disjointed somewhat... i really just needed to write again... i like it being a part of my routine... and i need to practice... because right now it's all a little messy.